What You Don't Know About Domestic Violence

In honor of October being Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I've decided to post this blog in support of the movement.  Most may have heard, read or even seen statistics about domestic violence in the cities in which they live and in our country as a whole and yes....it is startling.  But while I do not at all condone the actions of anyone hurting anyone in a relationship or domestic situation, be it male to female, female to male or gender to gender, I do want to give my opinion on the issue that not many people touch on.

It's commonly said that when a female is in a relationship and has been a victim to domestic violence, that she is a fool to stay in the position to be hurt again.  This is true.  But not many people are willing to understand where that foolish perception is coming from.  Fear is real and it's not as easy for someone to leave an abusive relationship as you think.  Love is not the only reason that the abused have when asked why they continue to endure the abuse.  It's just the easiest to admit.  Truth is, love is the last reason.  Shame and fear are the firsts.  It's the same combination of fear and shame that keep people from stopping their drug addiction, eating disorders, or getting out of the lifestyle their in.  

I've also heard that its tiring to keep hearing the same things over and over and over from the one in the domestic situation.  Yes....it is.  I completely agree.  But it has to be mentioned that cries for help are just that.  Cries.  Plural.  And most of the time they need to talk to someone.  Anyone.  Instead of wishing they would do something about it, realize that albeit may be small and pointless to you, they are doing something about it by talking to anyone in the first place.  If you're really at your wits end, let them know you care but emotionally you're exhausted especially since you're limited it what help you can offer.  Not saying the outcome will be pretty but at least you're being upfront about your feelings.

Also, as helpful as someone my feel it is to constantly speak to an abused person about what you wouldn't do and what you wouldn't accept is just as pointless as present African-Americans boasting about why and how they wouldn't pick cotton on a plantation!  Nine times out of nine if you were there, you don't know what you would have done and thank God you didn't.  Same rules apply.  Keep your unnecessary comments to yourself.  It only pushes the abused further away from you because now they feel inferior to someone else.

The best thing to do (in my personal opinion of course) is to let the person know that you're there for them and offer professional help like the name and information of a counselor, support group or law enforcement.  And I know personally that it's difficult to sit back and know that someone is dealing with such a terrible thing but at the risk of you, yourself being hurt or shut out completely, exercise restraint for wanting to attack the abuser yourself or forcefully extract the abused.

We all should hope for a time and place where things like this don't happen anymore but until then, stay in prayer for them and keep the lines of communication open.

New Top Ten Pet Peeves

A couple years ago, I put a post on YouTube displaying my pet peeves. Today, I'm going to go into my mental roledex to find my new pet peeves of 2010 - 2011!!  (2012 will be out in October)

10. Socks with flip-flops. Some things never change.
9. Grown men wearing sagging jeans or skinny jeans that are sagging.
8. People that are only able to have a good time when they're drinking.
7. Describing something as stupid when you've never tried it.
6. Cars that are parked crazy-like.
5. Cigarette smoke around children.
4. Uncombed wigs.
3. People that don't do what they say they will.
2. Falling asleep and when awaken swear they weren't asleep.
1. Reality show wannabes.

Bless

Beyonce Don't Know My Life!

Let me start off by saying that I am no where near being a full-on, die-hard Beyonce fan so this next sentence will only make sense to those that want soooooo bad not to like her and her music in reference to her most recent album.  DAMN YOU BEYONCE!!!!  Damn you for making music relevant to my fucking life and situations!!  AAARRRGHH!!  That's right!  I used my pirate word of anger.

The album I'm referring to is "4".  From the first track she's on point.  This motherfucker was able to do what's really difficult for other musical artists to get right for me....the ability to draw emotion to a particular person, place or event in my life.  Why that damn song 1+1 makes me love my boyfriend so much, I don't fucking know.  "I don't know much about fighting but I know I will fight for you!"  I'm so ready to run out and shank anyone looking at my man wrong!  I can't even hear the shit without singing along.  And man does it piss me off because I usually tend to stay away from pop culture and ridiculously popular people.

What's worse is that there are a good amount of songs on this album that do the same thing.  "I Care" makes me just as mad as the first track makes me happy.   "Dance For You" immediately makes me feel like an exotic dancer.  Any man can get punched and shoved in a garbage can when "Girls Run The World" plays.  And "Countdown"??  I mean really Beyonce??!!  Ugh!

Oh well.  I guess if you're going to listen to anything, you'd better make it something that means something to you.

Damn you and your musical treachery!

Cougar? Who? Me? Noooo...

Okay, who's idea was it to place the "Cougar" label on attractive 30 year old women?!  Because as far as I was concerned, I'm too young to be a cougar.  It was to my understanding that a cougar was a saucy woman between the ages of 40-50.  How did I get put into that category?!  I'm a whole ten years under the limit.

In any case, I do admit that I am flattered when someone says that I am.  Simply because I've noticed the change from my attractiveness as a young lady to a woman.  It's a different type of sexy that comes with age and the way a mature woman carries herself.  I love it!   When I was 18, my sexy was innocent with a hint of over-confidence. (see photo below)

Queen at 18 years old

See that there?  That show of knee is my cocky side trying to ease it's way out onto the scene.  When I was 18, I wore a size 10 in pants, medium in shirts and couldn't wait until I was able to show it off.  However, I still didn't think I was unstoppable.  I still had insecurities and as far as pulling the attention of the boys I actually wanted to pull....let's just say I wasn't as popular as I would have liked to have been.  Eh.

Queen at 24 years old

The above photo is of me at 24 years old.  By this time, I was a mother of two and found a different type of confidence.  I just had my youngest son and my figure was complimentary to my personality that I'd grown into.  Notice the smize (thanks Tyra).  I'm saying see me...yeah...this is one nice looking woman here.  Coming into my own.  No longer a teenager with the know-it-all mentality.  I've lived just a little.  Still though, not at my peak of grace and power.

Present day Queen. 31 years old.

This is me currently.  Now watch how I break this down.  This is pre-cougar status right here.  First, I'm plus size.  Proudly a size 16-18 with curves galore (notice the hands on the hips).  My hair is fun, big and unexpected.  Fashionable and chic.  Kick-ass heels.  Powerful in stature with a full confident smile.  Something I wasn't used to doing in my younger years.  I'm the mother of three by this photo.  Oldest child ten years old and it's not likely that people will look at me and challenge my stride.  I'm one of the hot moms that I know.  And that's huge when you see other women feeling like the years are zipping past them.  Not to mention my current boyfriend is younger than I.  Um....yeah....much younger than I am.  Which some say puts me right into cougar status.  Others would say I'm a linx....(ha!)

Point of all this is that women evolve.  Mentally and physically.  Personally, I am flattered by the thought of even being close to a cougar.  Have you seen some cougars these days??  Google them!  They're amazing!  I love the elements of grace, sophistication and sexiness that they possess.

So do I feel like I can tame a room when I walk in and give a 25 year old a run for her money?  Sure!  Why not?!  Bring on the title....I'm going for Queen Cougar.  (I'm going to have to write a poem about this one....stay tuned.)

Lady Sings The News

Man!  When you hear someone say "divorce", you just know there's going to be a gigantic speech about what the other person did to bring a marriage to a close.  Which is why I'm used to the almost instantaneous facial expression of "poor-baby" that seems to come in waves anytime anyone hears that I am about to be.  Well, here's the thing:  I'm not the finger pointing ex-wife that people are used to seeing.  And apparently that perplexes these same people I've come across.

This post is actually going to serve as a partial how-to-guide for maintaining the sanity while on the road to becoming an ex-wife/husband.  Now, I'm not 100% divorced just yet but anyone who has been can tell you that the separation and preparation for the actual divorce can be enough to make you rip your hair out.  That is, if you let it.

• Silence is Golden - 
• You're going to be faced with people asking you all types of questions from "What happened?" to "How much money are you going to sue for?".  There's nothing wrong with tell people to mind their damn business or say nothing at all.  You don't have to explain yourself to anyone.  Not to mention, if said people have to ask anything at all, they don't need to know because you would have confided in your true friends and concerned family already. 

• Forget Facebook - 
• If your ex was on a mutual social network before you split, chances are they're still on those same networks while you're separated.  Some will wait for your status postings and photo displays.  Don't go on super rants about how happy you are due to your divorce or how miserable you are either.  It's not that serious and unlike reality tv show personalities, you're not getting paid to act an ass.

• Leave the Past Behind - 
• The best way to find yourself in another bad relationship is to bring habits and actions from the previous one into the new one.  Don't look at the way your new sweetie washes dishes and bring up the fact that your ex was always too lazy to do the same.  Just thank them for the dishes and move on.  Do some different things and different things will happen. 

• Pass on Mutual Gatherings (temporarily) -
• This one is tricky.  When you've been with someone for years, you gain friends that are both yours and theirs.  Unfortunately, when you separate that leaves the gray area of friends wondering which side to interact with.  While things are fresh, it's okay to decline invitations that you know your ex will be attending.  This doesn't make you a scaredy-cat or anything.  It just means that you'd rather avoid the awkwardness of a possible situation.

• Stand By Your Decision - 
• There may be a good amount of people that will hear of your divorce or separation and ask you to reconsider.  They may hit you with everything from moral obligation to tradition to religious beliefs.  Truth of the matter is that no one has to live with your choices but you.  And people will ALWAYS have an opinion about YOUR life.  As long as you are true to your decisions, things will fall into place.

• Find Your Peace - 
• Take all the time you need to center yourself.  Bring yourself to what makes you truly happy.  If it's having new experiences, go for it.  If it's getting into a new relationship, then make sure it's an honest and happy one.  If it's shopping....buy me something too (my favorite color is black). Just kidding.  The point is:  assess your own peace and bring yourself to it.

These are things that have been helping me in the process in addition to having minimal interaction with my ex at the present time.  Everyone's situation is different so at the end of it all, what ever works for you....works for you.  It's important to remember that divorce is not the end of the line.  It's a learning experience.

Dirty Thirties

Now that I'm in my thirties, I'm noticing that my sex drive has severely increased. I published a post about My Funny Little Turn-Ons which explained how happiness makes me horny but this isn't speaking on that.  I'm talking about the fact that on October 17, 2010 something in me just clicked and I became this horn-dog.  And it's not just me. A few of my friends are feeling the itch as well.  What the fuck?!

I would love to find the scientific reason for the increase libido.  So I'm going to look it up and get back to you on this.  One moment....

Okay, I've found it!  Apparently, evolution has encouraged women to be more sexually active as their fertility begins to decline as menopause approaches.  So basically, because "the change" is near, we thirty-year-olds choose to wild out and go sex crazy.  Wow!  The things you learn on the internet.

There have been many days in which I would be simply sitting around, reading a book, writing some poetry or what have you and become overwhelmed with sexual urges.  It's ridiculous sometimes.  You should hear the stories from 30 year old women that I converse with.  We're off the chain!  But the key to not losing your mind with the abundance of horniness (I'm sure that's not a real word) is to accept the fact that we are where we are in our lives hormonally and embrace our sexuality without damaging our bodies and emotions by indulging in our urges.  To put it into simpler terms:  be 30+ and in tune with our bodies but don't go jumping into being a super whore.

I'm merely posting this blog to let any 30+ year old women know that you are not alone.  I too want to feed the need to let off some orgasmic steam.  There are more of us out there!!  My advice is to have fun until the change comes.

Public Conversations

To those that know more than the basic information about me, I have many siblings.  One of my closest siblings is my younger brother Batman (not sure he wants me to use his name in my blog yet.  I may want to ask him about that....eh....oh well).  Back to the post.  My brother and I have a lot in common.  One thing is that, as friendly as we are, we don't like talking to people while we're out to take care of business.  Does this mean that if we're out and about running errands we will not take a phone call from our loved ones?  No.  Of course not.  But if we're in the waiting area of the DMV, the last thing we want to do is get into a conversation with a complete stranger about their health issues.

It seems that where ever there's a high occupancy lobby, there will be someone that wants to run their yap.  Now don't get me wrong.  I am bothered by the quantity of people that sit heads bowed praying to the iPhone and Android gods on their mobile devices.  But what happened to just going to a place of business and quietly sitting while waiting for your name to be called?

True story alert:  I was at the DMV after arriving to what I thought was on time for opening (8:00am) only to find out that on this particular day that they weren't opening until 9:30am.  Once inside, it's full of customers, of course, and I sit in the waiting area until I my name is called.  Then I'm introduced to a woman that says good morning then proceeds to ask me why I'm there.  Fair enough.  I engage in small talk and that was my first mistake.  Because my inch has turned into a mile and she talks for a bunch of them....miles that is.  In fifteen minutes I learned of her idiotic baby daddy, her irritating manager and her irregular period.  I couldn't make this up if I wanted to.  Not to mention that I'm leaving out the people having the loudest of conversations on their cellular phones and irate customers at the main desk.

This happens in more public offices than I care to witness.  And it's not that I'm a rude person....I just don't give a fuck about your shit at 8:00 in the morning when I'm trying to handle my business.  All I want is a response if we make eye contact and I greet you.  Maybe a "Nice weather we're having, eh?" and shut the fuck up.  Alas, this dream is far in chances of reality so in the meantime, I'll try not to look so annoyed by the presence of conversations I don't want to have.